Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
