I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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