I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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