I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
