They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
