the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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