Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
