your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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