I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
