Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
