All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
