we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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