It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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