You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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