OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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