I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
