btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
