I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I can't put those talents on a resume
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
