i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
