On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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