I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
