This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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