My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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