the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
