Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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