I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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