i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
