There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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