apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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