i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
