There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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