my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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