youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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