JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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