somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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