I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
