Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
