I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
