Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
