Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hope mine doesn't look like that
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
