Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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