Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
