My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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