i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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