so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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