I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
