In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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