Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
