every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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