the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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